The FBI’s UFC Deal: A Kickback Disguised as a Combat Training Program
So, the FBI—America’s top law enforcement agency, the people who chase down mobsters, terrorists, and guys who hoard classified documents like they’re Pokémon cards—has apparently decided that their biggest problem isn’t corruption, or cybercrime, or even domestic terrorism. No, it’s that they just aren’t throwing enough fucking roundhouse kicks.
Take that liberal! UFC to the face!
Which is why their brand-new Trump-installed director, Kash Patel, is floating the idea of a partnership between the FBI and the UFC.
Yes, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the multimillion-dollar fight promotion that’s been feeding Dana White’s wallet and Joe Rogan’s ego for decades.
Because when you think of elite federal law enforcement training, the first thing that comes to mind is a bunch of agents practicing spinning backfists and trying not to tap out in a rear-naked choke.
And sure, it sounds ridiculous. But once you realize who benefits from this bullshit, suddenly it makes perfect sense. Because this isn’t about training FBI agents—it’s about giving Dana White a taxpayer-funded payday.
The FBI Doesn’t Need a Fucking UFC Deal
Let’s just state the obvious here: FBI agents already go through some of the most intense combat training on the planet. These are people who spend months at Quantico getting trained in close-quarters combat, firearms, tactical takedowns, and defensive maneuvers.
They don’t need Dana White’s fight circus to teach them how to put someone on the ground. They already know how to neutralize a threat in two moves or less.
The average UFC fighter spends their career trying to take people down without getting knocked the fuck out. The FBI trains people to take you down and make sure you never get up again.
So why, exactly, do they need a contract with the UFC? Why is this even a discussion?
Oh right. Because Trump’s people are in charge, and grifting is their favorite fucking sport.
This Isn’t a Training Program—It’s a Kickback
This is not about helping FBI agents.
It’s about helping Dana White.
Dana White is one of Trump’s closest, most loyal bootlickers. He spoke at the Republican National Convention, he’s been front and center at Trump rallies, and every time Trump shows up at a UFC fight, Dana’s there, grinning like he just discovered a new way to exploit underpaid fighters.
This is how the Trump grift works.
Trump and his buddies don’t actually give a shit about law enforcement training. But they do care about rewarding loyalty. And Dana White has been loyal as hell. So now, miraculously, his company is in the running for a lucrative FBI training contract.
A contract that, by the way, wouldn’t actually make agents any better at their jobs. Because the FBI doesn’t need to train like cage fighters—they need to train like law enforcement professionals.
Let’s Talk About the UFC’s Business Model for a Second
If we’re gonna throw millions of taxpayer dollars at the UFC, maybe we should take a moment to acknowledge that the UFC is one of the most exploitative, corrupt sports organizations in the country.
For starters, UFC fighters are notoriously underpaid.
The average entry-level UFC fighter makes about $12,000 per fight.
Even high-level fighters struggle to get paid a fair share of the billions the UFC rakes in.
Dana White makes more money in a year than every single UFC fighter combined.
These guys step into a cage and beat the absolute shit out of each other while Dana White sits in a luxury box, counting money like the Monopoly Man—if the Monopoly Man also smacked his wife on camera. Oh yeah, that happened. Open-handed, in public, caught in 4K. And instead of consequences, he got a Power Slap league. Because in Dana’s world, domestic violence isn’t a mistake—it’s a business opportunity.
And now, we’re supposed to believe that this is the organization the FBI needs to partner with? The one that barely pays its own athletes but is somehow going to improve federal law enforcement?
Give me a fucking break.
This Is Government-Approved Money Laundering
This is a classic Trump-era grift.
Step 1: Install a loyalist into a high-ranking government position.
Step 2: Funnel government contracts to a close friend.
Step 3: Pretend it’s about “security” or “innovation.”
Step 4: Everyone walks away richer, and the public gets fucked.
And the best part? Even if this deal doesn’t go through, it’s already working. Because now, we’re talking about the UFC like it’s some kind of elite law enforcement training institution instead of what it actually is: a private fight promotion company that makes billions while refusing to pay its own fucking fighters.
This whole thing is a scam. It’s a money grab. It’s a way for Trump’s cronies to pay off their friends under the guise of "training the FBI."
This Is What Happens When Corruption Becomes Standard Operating Procedure
If this deal actually happens, we should all be fucking furious.
Because this isn’t about making America safer. It’s about finding new and creative ways to move taxpayer money into private pockets. It’s about rewarding one of Trump’s most loyal business allies while pretending it’s about “fitness.”
The FBI doesn’t need Dana White’s bullshit fight club. It needs leadership that isn’t actively trying to turn federal law enforcement into a fucking ATM for Trump’s rich friends.
And if they actually push this deal through, we’re going to be looking at another round of blatant corruption that everyone pretends is just how the system works now.
It’s not. It’s a fucking scam.
And we shouldn’t let them get away with it.
