America’s Boldest Plan to Tax Itself into Oblivion
Ladies and gentlemen, gather around as we witness a masterclass in self-inflicted economic wounds. The 2025 Trump administration, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the best way to strengthen our economy is to slap a 25% tariff on all goods imported and exported from Mexico and Canada. That’s right—America has looked itself in the mirror and said, "You know what this country needs? More expensive groceries and fewer jobs."
This isn’t just a tariff; it’s a revolutionary new way to tax ourselves without calling it a tax. Why just burn money when we can set it on fire and inhale the ashes like a fine Cuban cigar? The beauty of this plan is that it will hit everyone—businesses, consumers, workers—like an economic meteor, wiping out any remaining sense of affordability.
Now, let’s take a moment to reflect on what this means for the average person. Picture yourself at the grocery store, reaching for an avocado, only to hear it whisper, "I hope you brought your credit score." Or imagine trying to buy a car—except now the sticker price looks more like an auction for a rare Picasso painting. Congratulations, America! We’re officially in a reality where basic necessities are turning into luxury items.
And while we’re busy pricing ourselves out of existence, our international competitors are standing on the sidelines, holding their drinks and whispering, "Should we tell them?" China, Europe, and every country that understands basic economics are watching this trainwreck unfold like spectators at the Coliseum, waiting to see if we’ll throw ourselves to the lions.
Meanwhile, our good neighbors, Canada and Mexico, are staring at us like a family member who just made a wildly inappropriate toast at Thanksgiving. They’ll be fine. They have other trade partners. We, on the other hand, are about to enter the economic equivalent of trying to survive in a locked room filled with bees.
And because no self-inflicted economic disaster is complete without international consequences, Canada has decided to respond in kind. Effective immediately, they’ve announced that if these tariffs go into effect, they will shut off all natural gas and oil exports to the U.S., because nothing says "strong economy" like freezing in the dark. And as an added bonus, they’re slapping a 200% tariff on Tesla vehicles—not for economic retaliation, but because, in their words, Elon Musk is "abhorrent, abrasive, and a garbage human being." Finally, a policy decision we can all understand.
As we bicker with our closest trade partners, domestic companies are seeing a golden opportunity. After all, if imported goods are outrageously expensive, what’s stopping American businesses from jacking up their prices too? The free market is a wonderful thing—especially when it’s free to gouge consumers in the name of "staying competitive."
As if that weren’t enough, this economic free-fall is coming on the precipice of government firings, furloughing, and attempting to strong-arm government employees to quit. Millions of jobs are going to vanish into the ether, not because of natural market shifts, but because someone decided that privatization is the cure-all for an already struggling economy that’s been recovering for the past four years. Who needs a stable workforce when we can just outsource everything and hope for the best?
And if you thought the economic impact was going to stop at our borders, think again. Tariff wars have worldwide reach and will trigger economic collapses across the globe. With everything tied to the dollar, this will only hurt people here in the United States even more. Farmers who can’t get their goods to market will watch their stock rot in the fields and silos—think Grapes of Wrath but with WiFi. It’s like this administration has never read a history book. Maybe someone should slide a copy of The Great Depression for Dummies onto their desks.
And here’s the part where it gets really bleak: this level of economic devastation isn’t just a consequence—it’s an opportunity. The financial elite will swoop in, buying assets for pennies on the dollar while everyday Americans scramble to survive. A new Great Depression is exactly what they want, because it means they get to consolidate even more power and wealth while the rest of us barter for bread and gasoline.
Of course, the administration is calling this a brilliant move—like calling the Hindenburg tragedy a fantastic display of modern engineering. They claim this will revive American industry, but let’s be real: it’s more likely to revive our interest in Googling, "How to emigrate to a functioning economy." Manufacturers who rely on imported materials are in for a treat, and farmers who need export markets are about to experience the joys of watching their livelihood disappear faster than common sense at a political rally.
But let’s not forget the true genius of this plan. If we tax everything we import and export, then maybe—just maybe—we can finally achieve the dream of making every product so expensive that no one can afford to buy anything. The economy can’t collapse if there’s no economy left to collapse! Checkmate, economists.
As the great Sam Jackson said in Jurassic Park, “Hold onto your butts,” America. Your groceries are about to cost as much as a used car, your car is about to cost as much as a house, and your house—well, let’s just say the bank will own that until your great-grandchildren finish paying it off. And through it all, we’ll get to watch the slow-motion trainwreck of our economy while the rest of the world eats popcorn (that they bought for way less money).
But hey, on the bright side, we can all take up gardening. I hear homegrown tomatoes are delicious—and in a few months, they’ll be the only currency we have left.
Oh, and if you’re looking for a financial strategy, might I suggest stocking up on toilet paper and canned goods? It worked in Mad Max, and based on current trends, we’re only a few supply chain disruptions away from bartering for gasoline like it’s Fallout IRL. Just don’t be the guy who hoards all the Twinkies—this isn’t Zombieland… yet.
